Posted by
Gretske on Wednesday, September 03, 2008 10:00:00 AM
"Dear God, you made many, many conservatives.
I realize, of course, that it's no shame to be a wing nut.
But it's no great honor either!
So, what would have been so terrible if I had a been a liberal?"
If I were a liberal,
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.
All day long I'd prattle prattle pum.
If I were a liberal man.
I wouldn't have to think straight.
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.
If I were a snooty, snotty lib.
Yidle-diddle-didle-didle man.
I have a confession to make, I have liberal envy.
I watch my liberal friends and colleagues and covet what they have. They are so confident in their beliefs, unencumbered by any need to ground them in reality. How liberating this must be! I have agonized over my closely held beliefs, and constantly challenge them when events and new information becomes available. My liberal friends have no such constraints; they are free to cling tenaciously to their beliefs, no matter what.
Even more disturbing is that I have to actually process new information before I can form an opinion. This puts me at a great disadvantage, and causes a significant delay between my learning something new, and my reaching a conclusion on what I think about it. I see liberals in the same situation, and they have no such catharsis; they are immediately able to find their position, quickly, efficiently and always on target. Why, I ask?
And, finally, left wingers have a remarkable ability to hold beliefs that appear to me to not only contradictory, but mutually exclusive. They are against the death penalty for vicious murderers because any taking of a human life is immoral, but a helpless fetus, incapable of even feeding itself, is fair game. Liberals can decry the supposed repression of George Bush, but scream to high Heaven that we have barred dictator Fidel Casto's cigars from our shores. Most liberals would never let a cigar touch their precious lips anyway. Now that I think about it, maybe they don't “scream to high Heaven,” either.
The secret to this ability to immediately discern the appropriate liberal stance on an issue so quickly is due to several tools that liberals have in forming opinions that most conservatives lack. The first tool is intuitive, if there is a traditional view available, simply take the contrary point of view. This actually works for the vast majority of issues. Gay marriage? It is traditionally shunned, therefore, the liberal position is to to be in favor of men marrying men and women marrying women. (This brings up a legal point, if a gay man marries a lesbian woman, is that a gay marriage?)
This simple test for any possible situation is one of the secrets for the spread of liberalism.
However, sometimes the correct liberal position is not so easily determined, so there is a second test that can be applied. This test is not as easy as the first one because it involves a small bit of research.
Consider who has taken what position on an issue. If one who is recognized as a Liberal Leader takes a position, and other also recognized as liberals repeat it, then it must be a liberal position.
Simple. No need to endlessly parse or analyze it. There is not even a requirement that it be consistent with other positions. If it has the Liberal Good Housekeeping Seal of Approval, that is sufficient.
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.